When I was a police officer, my friend Ray was promoted to Sergeant. Back then the culture of my department was highly competitive, and a promotion usually meant being disliked by many of the patrolmen. Ray was worried because he believed that the officers would resent him. He responded to this concern by avoiding roll calls. Over time, Ray’s fear increased, and he began avoiding situations where the officers would be grouped together. As one might imagine, this got in the way of him performing his duties and made him miserable.
A recurring theme in my posts is that we have healthy brains and that our thoughts often cause anxiety. Ray was anxious over being disliked. As he avoided resentful officers, his brain reinforced the idea that something bad would happen if he faced them.
So, what’s the better response to anxiety?
We’ve all heard the expression “face your fears.” There’s a lot of truth to that old cliché. Fortunately, most of the situations we’re anxious over are not dangerous to us. When we engage in avoidance, we (unintentionally) tell ourselves that whatever we are avoiding is physically dangerous. Our brains confuse social rejection with physical danger. This sets-off a mini fight-or-flight response (AKA, anxiety). Since we are geared for survival, we form the belief that the situations we’ve been anxious over should be avoided at all costs (flight).
Ray was never in any real danger when attending meetings with people who were mad at him. After all, other newly promoted sergeants went to roll call and were eventually accepted by the group. If he had faced the group from the beginning, he could have spared himself the increased anxiety.
What I’m describing is simple but not easy: “change your thinking.” If that were an easy thing to do none of us would ever be anxious, depressed, or angry.
Fortunately, there are techniques available to help change your thoughts and reduce anxiety.
So, if you find yourself feeling anxious and avoiding a situation, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself: “is this actually a danger to me?”
If not, consider facing it.
The very best to you all.