When I ask what they mean, they often say something like:
“He won’t talk about his emotions.”
“I can’t get him to open up.”
“He just gives one-word answers when I try to talk.”
This is a very common concern. But there are several important issues buried inside it that often go unnoticed.
- “Talk about your emotions” is a vague request
For most people—and especially for many men—this is an incredibly nebulous assignment.
What does that even mean?
What context does he have as a point of reference?
What would qualify as “doing it right”?
And if he did talk about his emotions, would that actually satisfy you?
Most of the time, when we explore this honestly in session, the answer is no.
Because what is being asked for is not really emotional vocabulary. It’s a feeling of connection. And trying to reach that through forced emotional disclosure often feels unnatural, awkward, and unsatisfying for both people.
It’s a moving target that’s hard to define and even harder to achieve on command.
- These questions can feel like a trap
Questions like:
- “What are you feeling right now?”
- “Why do you love me?”
- “What do you want to see more of from me?”
can feel dangerous to answer.
Not because he doesn’t care.
But because he’s trying to figure out what the right answer is.
This is often when you see the “deer-in-the-headlights” look. He stiffens. He gives short answers. He tries to exit the conversation as quickly as possible.
He’s not avoiding intimacy.
He’s avoiding saying the wrong thing.
- A question I often ask wives surprises them
I’ll ask:
“Do you spend time listening to him talk about things that interest him but don’t interest you?”
Hunting. Fishing. Sports. Politics. Work details. Hobbies.
Or do you also get the same deer-in-the-headlights look and try to get out of those conversations?
This question is important.
Because connection is rarely built through deep talks first.
It’s built through small, low-pressure interest over time.
- How connection is actually built (a lesson from parenting)
I remember learning this with my son when he was young.
He would want to tell me, in great detail, about video games and cartoon characters. I found those topics incredibly boring. But I listened. I asked questions. I even asked him to tell me more later.
Not because I cared about the games.
But because I cared about him.
I was teaching him:
“You can talk to me. I’m interested in what matters to you. You’re safe here.”
That’s how the foundation for future conversation was built.
- Many couples are trying to have advanced conversations on a foundation that was never built
Over time in some marriages, spouses stop feeling safe talking to each other about small things. Interest fades. Judgment creeps in. Conversations become functional rather than relational.
Then, years later, one partner says:
“We need to have deeper talks.”
But deep conversation requires a base of safety and interest that may no longer exist—or may never have existed in the first place.
So they have to go backwards in order to move forwards.
They have to relearn how to be interested in each other in simple, low-stakes ways before meaningful conversation can happen.
If that foundation isn’t there, it’s not realistic to expect deep, intimate discussions in the present.
Sometimes, the path to connection isn’t asking for bigger conversations.
It’s rebuilding comfort in the small ones.
At Stoa Life, we often help couples recognize that emotional safety is built long before emotional disclosure ever feels natural.
The best to you.