The young man stands at the threshold of adulthood, poised to become a fully capable adult. His parents have done everything they could to prepare him for this moment, including ensuring he attends a private school to receive the best education available. They’ve also encouraged his involvement in sports, church, and other activities to build his character. However, in the last year of high school, he’s lost motivation, spending much of his time playing video games and hanging out with friends.
His lack of effort has put his high school graduation in jeopardy. Recently, there’ve been multiple confrontations between him and his father because he no longer follows household rules. He stays out late, disregarding his parents’ wishes to be informed of his whereabouts and return time. He’s also stopped helping around the house as he once did. So far, the only consequences have been arguments with his father.
His parents have had recent conversations that the father finds concerning. He tells his wife that their son, now 18, must take responsibility after graduating high school. He believes their son needs a job, to pursue further education, and to establish a clear path toward success. The father sees his son’s current trajectory leading to further conflict as he becomes more entrenched in a lifestyle of laziness and comfort. The father concludes, “We can’t have this in our home.” His wife responds, “Well, you’re not going to kick him out.”
In mythology, two classic archetypes represent male and female parental influences: the tyrannical father and the devouring mother. These archetypes are common due to their frequency and destructive nature. The tyrannical father embodies critical, controlling, cruel, arrogant, and demeaning behavior toward the child, often breaking their spirit. The devouring mother, while also overbearing, controlling, and manipulative, exhibits behaviors that are less obvious but equally harmful. These actions are often seen as noble because they appear as nurturing and protective.
Society frequently celebrates and defends the devouring mother’s conduct, but ultimately, it harms the child. In the early stages of a child’s life, the feminine energy of nurturing and protection is vital, helping the child feel safe, loved, and accepted. This provides a foundation for development.
However, for healthy growth, particularly for a boy, facing risk, failure, and hardship is essential. He must be given the freedom to try new things and experience the rewards and consequences of his actions.
The devouring mother may still see her 18-year-old son as “her baby.” In the case of the couple mentioned above, the mother continues to shield her son from the increased risks and challenges that would enable him to individuate and become his own person. Trials and hardships foster healthy individuation for an emerging adult. For a young man, they build confidence and competence, preparing him to lead at work and in his family. Instead of indulging in distractions like video games or alcohol to avoid responsibility, he will be able to look his wife and family in the eyes and assure them he can handle problems and protect them.
The young man described above is full of energy and some anger. He wants to challenge himself, fight, and seek adventure, but he’s also afraid. The comfort of staying home is increasingly tempting, especially without consequences for his lack of effort. This comfort is causing him to lose his edge and the capacity to launch into greatness.
Without tougher parenting, he’s at risk for becoming a stereotype that frustrates many parents today: a 30-year-old man living in his parents’ basement, working a minimum-wage job, and playing video games.
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