Couples Therapy
Question: What’s the number one issue that breaks up romantic relationships?
Answer: Unmet Expectations
Every relationship is unique.
Yet there are commonalities in the areas where we struggle.
See if you recognize yourself and your partner in any of these…
Seeking guidance for the second time around.
Mark* and Sheila* are engaged, and their wedding date is nine months out. Both were married before, and both are bringing children into the new union. They’re still very much in love… they sit closely on the couch and attentively listen with their fingers intertwined.
They were wise to come in early. They want guidance on how to manage their newly blended family. How should Mark father Sheila’s two daughters, and how should Sheila mother Mark’s only son?
After sharing what failed for them in the past, they are seeking advice on how to navigate the balancing of their relationship with co-parenting three kids.
We explain that never before have relationships been so complex, and never before have we expected so much from one relationship.
Relationships are arguably the most important happenings of our lives. Do we remember our work accomplishments? Studies say “no.” In the end, we remember our relationships. We ponder our partners, lovers, genuine friendships, and children. Our relationships can make or break us.
Making this relationship work is why Mark and Sheila sought my help…
Facing challenges as a team.
Ben* is a no-nonsense kind of guy. He’s traditional and proud to be the provider, but he wants to know he’s got a partner caring for the children and the home. When Ben met Kristen* years ago, he loved her softness and vulnerability. He wanted to save her from her abusive past.
Kristen, the more romantic of the two, loved the idea of being cared for by Ben. She’d wanted children but had no idea being a wife and mother could be so hard. For her, the household work and meeting everyone’s emotional needs has become a never-ending chore. She’s now chronically exhausted and in need of Ben’s help with the three boys every night when he gets home.
Their intimacy has disappeared as Kristen is deeply self-conscious about the baby weight she can’t lose. She feels resentment and shame with no end in sight. Everyone advises Ben to just give it time, but Kristin’s not improving, and it’s been several years.
When Ben suggests seeking help, Kristen becomes defensive and tearful. Their communication has been fruitless, as nothing ever gets resolved. Ben knows Kristen needs help, but Kristen insists it’s an issue for them as a couple and will only attend therapy if Ben agrees to go with her.
What brought you together doesn’t keep you together.
As time passes, both individuals grow and evolve. A marriage is a relationship, and a relationship is a system. A system has its patterns, timing, and language.
Anything that impacts one part of the system will affect the entire system as it shifts to adapt. When one partner grows in a way the other doesn’t, the relationship must adapt or experience friction.
People come together at a particular time and place. As time passes and the context changes, how does the partnership evolve?
Change can create tension in a relationship.
Toby* and Laura* met in college and fell for each other quickly. The two were very popular and were often the life of the party. After graduating, Toby earned his MBA and was professionally successful in the financial services world. Laura found work she loved selling real estate. The two were very social, and they both enjoyed entertaining.
Their personal and professional lives blended as their clients became friends, and their friends became clients. All was well until Toby was arrested for a DUI while driving home after a dinner meeting. Convinced it was just a fluke, Toby tried to cut back on the alcohol. This was difficult as the couple’s social life revolved around drinking.
Then Toby was arrested for his second DUI and was facing a possible 5-year suspension of his driving privileges. Scared, Toby entered a 30-day residential alcohol treatment program and became heavily involved with AA meetings. Once released from the program, he attended multiple meetings seven days a week.
While Toby was focused on his sobriety, Laura was not ready to live an alcohol-free life. As Toby’s priorities shifted, his social life became filled with friends from AA and calls with his sponsor. A sober Toby had difficulty relating to a not-sober Laura. He felt out of place with their old friends yet could not return to living his old life.
Toby’s and Laura’s relationship was in trouble.
Successful relationships require renegotiation throughout the lifespan.
We address all three relationship parts: the two participants as individuals and the relationship system itself.
When the original context that brought the couple together changes, the relationship system must adapt. Ideally, a relationship has the flexibility to absorb the change. If not, problems ensue.
Infidelity often begins when a relationship fails to navigate a fundamental change.
What’s next after the kids leave?
Janet* and Reuban* have been together for years. Two of their kids are now in college, and their youngest will launch next year. Since the two became parents 23 years ago, they have focused all their energy on the kids. In anticipation of an empty nest, Janet has realized that she and Reuban have done little to maintain their relationship throughout the years.
Thirty years earlier, their union made sense. They had so much in common, and they enjoyed each other’s company.
Now when Janet and Reuban are alone, they have nothing to say and still just talk about the kids. Janet and Reuban have lost their connection and have no idea how to get it back. How would the coming years play out without the kids around?
A relationship is a long-term commitment.
We’re living longer now. It’s not unrealistic to anticipate living into your 80s and 90s. When the empty nest happens in your 50s or 60s, couples may have another 20 to 30 years together.
Navigating middle age and beyond as individuals in a couple is something our ancestors didn’t have to deal with. While one individual may feel ready to play the full-time grandparent, the other may be looking forward to starting a whole new life.
As the distance between people increases, other people and activities fill the void. Without some strategic planning, couples can unintentionally lose each other. And nothing is more destructive to a family than divorce.
Navigating this change in your relationship is necessary if you want it to go the distance.
Making adjustments to meet the challenge is required.
Adjusting to life’s challenges, like the birth of a child, financial issues, illnesses, infidelities, and the simple reality of growing apart, is critical for the health of a relationship.
These are all issues we deal with as we work with couples to heal whatever has come between them. My work with couples includes working with the two individuals and the relationship as a system.
During sessions, we move fluidly between working on the relationship to identifying the individual’s issues. We meet with both parties as a couple and then with each individually. As therapists, we stay flexible adapting to whatever the system presents.
Where are you in your relationship trajectory? Are you just starting out, or just starting out again? Regardless of where you are, let’s get to work and address the friction in your union. You have little to lose and a lifetime to gain.
If the relationship can’t work, it will become quickly apparent. If the relationship can work, we’ll do whatever’s necessary. Regardless of where you are now, when working with me, you’ll know how to move forward.
Reach out and call today for a free 20-minute phone consultation.
*These are fictitious names and scenarios used only to illustrate real-life situations.