Women’s Mid-life Re-evaluation Series
There was a time when our survival was intimately connected to our ability to maintain social connections. There were periods in human history when, if one was exiled from their tribe, that individual would not survive. During those periods, there was authentic protection afforded through being in a group. Thus, the fear of being cast out was a helpful mechanism.
People Pleasers still (unconsciously) believe that rejection means death. Even though such beliefs are hyperbolic in contemporary times, the deeply held belief of danger activates the fight-or-flight system. After all, that’s what the system is for – to protect us when we perceive harm.
Cognitive Behavioral Theory posits that our bodies and emotions are exactly in line with our beliefs. If we believe we’re in danger, our bodies will activate to protect us. The danger doesn’t have to be real; we just believe that it is.
The activation of our nervous system to fight or flight becomes a paradoxical reinforcement of our fears. Our activated body “confirms” that we should escape or fight, but there is no place to go and no one to fight. This confused, emotional state is what we experience as anxiety.
This is why People Pleasers have so much trouble saying “no” and setting boundaries. In fact, the People Pleaser will go to great lengths to avoid saying “No.” Consequently, they have poor boundaries and are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Remember, weak boundaries stem from faulty beliefs. Once you learn how to change the underlying beliefs, you can change your life for the better.
The best to you.