There was a time when our survival was very intimately connected to our ability to maintain social connections. When describing this to clients, I often illustrate the point by referring to the periods in human history when, if one was exiled from their tribe, it was likely that the individual would not survive. There was a usefulness to the protection and cooperation afforded by the group. Thus, during those periods in human history, the fear of being cast out was a helpful survival mechanism.
People Pleasers still (unconsciously) believe that rejection means doom. Even though such beliefs are hyperbolic in contemporary times, the deeply held belief of danger from rejection activates the fight-or-flight system. After all, that’s what the system is for, to protect us when we perceive harm.
Based on the research, Cognitive Behavioral Theory posits that our bodies and emotions are exactly in line with our beliefs. If we believe we’re in danger, our bodies will activate to protect us. The danger doesn’t have to be real; we just have to believe that it is.
The activation of our system to fight or run becomes a paradoxical reinforcement of our fears. Our activated body “confirms” that we should run or fight, but there is no place to go and no one to fight. This confused, emotional state is what we experience as anxiety.
This is why People Pleasers have so much trouble saying “no” and setting boundaries – Every time they do, they believe they’re risking rejection. Since such a risk is perceived as dangerous, the People Pleaser will go to great lengths to avoid saying “No.” Consequently, they have poor boundaries and are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Remember, weak boundaries stem from faulty beliefs. Once you learn how to change the underlying beliefs, you can change your life for the better.
The best to you.